The NEW Journal
Well, I've decided to destroy my previous journal in my attempt to start over. I realize this is merely symbolic as erasing the words of the past don't actually erase the past, but hey- gotta start somewhere. Then again, this may be a feeble attempt as drinking is now forbidden to me and that's when most of my entries came to fruition.... hmm.... well, guess we'll see.
Not much has changed since yesterday. I spent the day sorting through the 70+ messages I received from the BDSM community. I guess a young sub who is not only willing but eager to be dominated is a much sought-after commodity. I use the term commodity because some of them seem to be trying to buy me. I've been offered a life of leisure by several men (and one couple), having to do nothing but take care of myself and bring them pleasure when they return home. I wonder how many are traps and how many are people buying people? I wonder how many people actually accept an offer like that? I admit, some of the offers really hit a mark with me, but who would really sell all of themselves? Then again, for those who don't believe in the emotional bond and just wish to be a slave to someone, I suppose it's a good choice. It's a Master's job to take care of his slave, why not choose a Master who could take care of them in every sense? It's an interesting idea, though I don't think it's for me.
After my message last night I spent the rest of that night and most of this morning trying to let go of my anger, but it will not be brushed away, though it pains me to admit it. I settled instead for focusing my anger on those things that are worth being angry about. This afternoon I confronted my friend's abusive father in an attempt to put my anger to good use. The good (and most important) news is that I doubt he will have the nerve to bother her any time soon, the less fortunate news is he backed down at my first threat, so I wasn't able to release and of my frustrations. Pity. Normally I believe in forgiveness and taking the "high road", but in my current state of mind I think I would have really enjoyed showing him a taste of the misery he inflicts on her. Instead, I played my proper role after he backed down and helped them to talk things through a bit before I took her away and made her feel better. After I finally returned her home and I returned to my house I spent the rest of the evening (from 5pm until Midnight) entranced in meditation- the longest stretch I've been able to do in several years. I'm not really sure how much it helped. Although I have a better understanding of what has happened and why, I feel drained of hope and faith- the two most important ingredients in the cocktail that is my personality.
"There are 100 women out there who need to be broken, why would I waste my time on one with real emotions?".... He actually said that to me. How could he? How DARE he? I have been hurt, even shattered by him before, but this... this goes far beyond any of that... he has actually made me ANGRY. For the first time since I learned someone may have intentionally killed my daughter, I am actually ENRAGED. It wasn't good enough for him to tell me he didn't want me? He had to rip my heart out and slam it to the ground? I took the blame for everything that went wrong, but I have never done ANYTHING to deserve that, especially from someone I gave so much of myself to. How COULD he? It's more than sadistic... it's more than cruel... I can't even type straight... I've marred my hands with fingernail imprints from trying to contain myself... I don't like this. I'm not supposed to get angry. Hurt, upset, defensive, but never truly ANGRY... I do bad things... It makes me WANT to do bad things... I know better than this. I know I need to calm down. I know that no good can come of this and that no satisfaction can be had from giving in to this... I'm smarter than this... I've been telling myself this over and over again since he said it. Somehow, it's not working. How can I be this UNREASONABLE?? FFF****CCKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Dr. Appointment went well, though it has raised several questions that have me scared witless. In an effort to ignore those questions until a time when I am better suited to answer them, I have spent the past several hour researching Dominant/Submissive behavior, rituals, and other interesting facts and opinions about the subject. I learned the true nature of Tagging and the process that is involved in Tagging someone... makes me wish I could go back in time and change my reaction when I was Tagged. I was very happy at the time, but had I only known how much more important that was than anything else he had done was...well, the time has passed now I suppose. It seems a shame that he who had taught me so much should have left out those things that would have made our relationship so much better. Only now am I learning about so many aspects that were present in our relationship, and am able to see many of the areas where we both went wrong. I know it's too late now because my desire for him has become too great, but what I wouldn't give to have another chance to do it right so that we could be together still. He was everything to me- my master, my teacher, my confidant, my vizier, my love, and even still my friend. How am I supposed to carry on without him? And yet, because he is all these things to me, how could I try and be with him, knowing that it will cause him pain?
I'll be ok. I'm a survivor. Well, that's what they keep telling me anyway. I think the next time someone says that to me I'll tell them to shove it- maybe that will make me feel better. Anyway, it's late and my mind is reeling, so goodnight to all of you in cyber-land, may your dreams be filled with the pleasures that will find you when you wake.
Today itself has been rather uneventful, so I'll use this time for an update. I'm pregnant (for those who are as of yet unaware). The father, the man I love more than all others, has confessed to me that my neediness has begun to hurt him, so in an effort to preserve that which I love most, I have let him go. Now I am alone once again, and at the worst possible time. I have never felt so needy, and yet I will not allow myself to fall to the point of allowing my love to be hurt, or professing false love to another for my own benefit. I don't know if this is integrity, stupidity, or some distorted combination of the two.
To counteract the many blessings in my life, my car broke down a week ago and is still in the shop, my savings have been sucked dry in an effort to help others who have not mentioned any repayments since the initial loans were made, and I need to move out of here NOW in order to be prepared for when the baby comes. The baby and I cannot stay here, yet given the fact that my income is unverifiable I cannot qualify for another place, and moving in with some other friends or family isn't really an option given the situation they live in and my own dark past that will be brought up the moment the baby takes it's first breath. I have no idea what to do, but I still have faith- for now.
I turned 24 on Sunday with little celebration. Aside from my family, only 3 people remembered that my birthday had come. Only one of them actually saw me (though we didn't actually go anywhere or do anything), and he was also the only one to get me a present (though I admit that I was a little disheartened that he went from planning on getting me an engagement ring - which of coarse is no longer needed- to getting me a DVD). The other 2 called me, but that was the extent of it, and everyone else forgot or ignored it entirely. Have I become an acquaintance to them all? Is this a sign that my path has lead me to loose all my friends?
On a brighter note, I have spent my recent lonely sobriety expanding my book collection. I'm getting them in alot faster than I can read them now, but I'm very excited. My most recent additions include The COMPLETE Dark Tower Series, The Regulators, Desperation, Rose Madder, and Dreamcatcher (all by Stephen King- all Hardcover editions), as well as a first edition hard-cover copy of Chimera's Gold by Piers Anthony. Piers Anthony is my personal favorite, so I am happiest at that particular find, though I jumped up and down like a little girl when I got my hands on the Dark Tower collection.
At any rate, I think I'm done for the evening- have a Dr. Appointment in the morning that will tell me a great deal about how the rest of my life will go, so I should probably get some sleep if I can manage it. -Sweet dreams.